Why?

To a non-dancer, my obsession with ballet probably seems quite strange, so I will try to explain.....

Wanting to be a dancer, isn't something I think about occasionally. I think about it constantly. That desire, for the freedom yet perfect sense of control in dance, and to inspire, is always with me, in every breath, in every heartbeat. 

It's, walking in to college, seeing the steeple of St Mary's church in the distance, and thinking "I can see that steeple from the studio, I'd give anything to be there now". 

It's every night, when I can't sleep, thinking "what if? What if I got in?" Then suppressing the tiny glimmer of sheer joy that only appears at the daydream possibility of a destiny achieved.

 It's imagining- how would I really feel, if I had to live 385 miles from my family, just to go to ballet west- and thinking that I wouldn't even have time to miss them, because I'd be so busy, and happy- and if I was stressed, well I could spend 7 hours a day dancing the stress away.

You know if you were grieving, how you would feel almost a physical pain, beneath your ribs, as if there was an open cavern of longing, an emotional pain so powerful it felt like a physical pain? That was what I felt, last year on the night that I found out I didn't get in to the school of ballet theatre UK. And that feeling never really went away- but now the cavern of longing is full, full of passion. It is that passion that keeps me alive- that passion is why sometimes even at lunchtime at school, I go to the dance studio, to relieve the emotions, finding beauty through the expressiveness of movement. It is why, I take fifteen hours a week of ballet classes- and spend at least a further fifteen hours a week at the gym, yoga or swimming, doing anything- everything- that I can, to build up my strength, so that one day, the judges at a vocational school audition will see me and think "She isn't perfect, but she has strength, grace, and an undeniable passion. We'll give her a chance."

It's that feeling, in class, feeling as if you have at last found the place where you belong. Somewhere where you are valued, your passion is nurtured, and you can develop as a unique artist, not confined to society's ideals.

The school day, 9 till 3, is, and has been for a long time, a mere inconvenience, a formality that I can go through without thought. 

The real day starts in the evening- when I am with Miss Kaye or Miss Angela, learning, and being grateful to learn. 

I'm not naive any more (but was I ever?!); I don't expect it to be easy- the reality is, that ballet looks pretty, but the training regimes, rehearsals and performances, are somewhat gruelling. Being a dancer, means working twelve or thirteen hours a day, relentlessly, pushing our bodies to their limits to achieve ethereal grace and perfection. Burning the candle at both ends- but the flame of passion inside me will never burn out. 

And I know that if I got in, I'd probably be the worst in the class! I know that if by a miracle I got a company contract somewhere, I'd be on the back row forever; Swan #30, not Odette, Villager, not Kitri, Flower Waltz, not Lilac Fairy. But that is fine! Because I would be dancing every day! I suppose, to me, ballet is what socialising is to you. Imagine that you're not allowed to talk to or hug anyone for a day. Imagine the feeling of oppression, of anger, of "this isn't right, can't they see that I'm not supposed to be like this" That's how I feel if I have a day without ballet- that's why, in the holidays, I worked constantly on pirouettes, adage and core strength, just because the need for movement, for expression, is as important to me as the need to breathe is. 

"Ballet isn't just a hobby, a passion, an obsession- it is life."