London Coliseum

Getting up at 5.30am is never usually fun. But on Sunday, being up, with my hair in a bun and my dance bag packed, all before 6am, seemed wonderfully exciting. Just a few hours later, I was in London, on the beautiful Coliseum stage, for an ENB Swan Lake masterclass.

We did class work to warm up, then learnt the Swans' Entrance (which, as it happened, I had already learnt twice before!). Having done the same masterclass two years ago, it was fabulous to be back at the Coliseum, knowing that I'd made progress since last time. Then, we got to watch company class. The stage became a dazzling array of dancers in vivid warmups- it was fascinating to see how they did whatever they needed to do to warm up; even though exercises were given at the barre, they didn't necessarily do the enchainement as it was taught. One dancer particularly stood out; the gorgeous Tamara Rojo, whose exquisite lines and yearning passion made her seem, even in class, as if she were Odette.  Her movements flowed like silk, with effortless grace and dynamic. 

In the afternoon- having had a delicious lunch at Zizzi- I went shopping for pointe shoes. It wasn't the most successful shopping trip; we started in Bloch, who were fully booked for pointe fittings- I tried flat shoes, but wasn't completely sure that I liked them. So, on to Dancia- who stocked Gaynor Minden, Grishko, Capulet, Merlet and Bloch Triomphe, but not my trusty Capezio Glisse or Bloch Aspiration! Next stop; Sansha..... Who didn't do pointe shoe fittings without an appointment! No time wasted, we dashed to Freed- but we barely even got into the shop, it was packed with people!!! (At this point, mum began to get slightly tired- but I was on a pointe shoe mission, and wouldn't be deterred!!!) Capezio, too, were fully booked- so guess what? 

We went back to where we started, Bloch! The Bloch shop reminds me a bit of the Harry Potter movies, when he went to choose a wand- the walls at Bloch are filled, almost from floor to ceiling, with boxes of shoes! I couldn't get a pointe shoe fitting (but fortunately i do have enough pairs of pointes to last until my next trip to London, in 3 weeks time!) but did get some lovely soft shoes. It was an excellent day out, I'm looking forward to my next trip to London :D

Why?

To a non-dancer, my obsession with ballet probably seems quite strange, so I will try to explain.....

Wanting to be a dancer, isn't something I think about occasionally. I think about it constantly. That desire, for the freedom yet perfect sense of control in dance, and to inspire, is always with me, in every breath, in every heartbeat. 

It's, walking in to college, seeing the steeple of St Mary's church in the distance, and thinking "I can see that steeple from the studio, I'd give anything to be there now". 

It's every night, when I can't sleep, thinking "what if? What if I got in?" Then suppressing the tiny glimmer of sheer joy that only appears at the daydream possibility of a destiny achieved.

 It's imagining- how would I really feel, if I had to live 385 miles from my family, just to go to ballet west- and thinking that I wouldn't even have time to miss them, because I'd be so busy, and happy- and if I was stressed, well I could spend 7 hours a day dancing the stress away.

You know if you were grieving, how you would feel almost a physical pain, beneath your ribs, as if there was an open cavern of longing, an emotional pain so powerful it felt like a physical pain? That was what I felt, last year on the night that I found out I didn't get in to the school of ballet theatre UK. And that feeling never really went away- but now the cavern of longing is full, full of passion. It is that passion that keeps me alive- that passion is why sometimes even at lunchtime at school, I go to the dance studio, to relieve the emotions, finding beauty through the expressiveness of movement. It is why, I take fifteen hours a week of ballet classes- and spend at least a further fifteen hours a week at the gym, yoga or swimming, doing anything- everything- that I can, to build up my strength, so that one day, the judges at a vocational school audition will see me and think "She isn't perfect, but she has strength, grace, and an undeniable passion. We'll give her a chance."

It's that feeling, in class, feeling as if you have at last found the place where you belong. Somewhere where you are valued, your passion is nurtured, and you can develop as a unique artist, not confined to society's ideals.

The school day, 9 till 3, is, and has been for a long time, a mere inconvenience, a formality that I can go through without thought. 

The real day starts in the evening- when I am with Miss Kaye or Miss Angela, learning, and being grateful to learn. 

I'm not naive any more (but was I ever?!); I don't expect it to be easy- the reality is, that ballet looks pretty, but the training regimes, rehearsals and performances, are somewhat gruelling. Being a dancer, means working twelve or thirteen hours a day, relentlessly, pushing our bodies to their limits to achieve ethereal grace and perfection. Burning the candle at both ends- but the flame of passion inside me will never burn out. 

And I know that if I got in, I'd probably be the worst in the class! I know that if by a miracle I got a company contract somewhere, I'd be on the back row forever; Swan #30, not Odette, Villager, not Kitri, Flower Waltz, not Lilac Fairy. But that is fine! Because I would be dancing every day! I suppose, to me, ballet is what socialising is to you. Imagine that you're not allowed to talk to or hug anyone for a day. Imagine the feeling of oppression, of anger, of "this isn't right, can't they see that I'm not supposed to be like this" That's how I feel if I have a day without ballet- that's why, in the holidays, I worked constantly on pirouettes, adage and core strength, just because the need for movement, for expression, is as important to me as the need to breathe is. 

"Ballet isn't just a hobby, a passion, an obsession- it is life."