Thailand!!!

My summer adventures were timed perfectly to help me deal with the emotional upheaval involved in leaving vocational school.  On July 2nd, I made the 10-hour journey home from Taynuilt for the final time; I then had just 3 days to unpack my Scottish life, and pack a suitcase ready for three weeks of travelling. I saw the time as not only an escape from ballet, but also a vital transition time; time to really come to terms with the knowledge that I will never be a dancer in a ballet company.... But also to work on accepting the fact that the one thing that really makes me happy, isn't what I at 13 years old decided my 'dream job' was!!

Checking in to Heathrow airport, I felt a flurry of emotions; 'I should be in Russia! I should be at a summer intensive! I could've got a scholarship to RCS summer school again; I should be doing ballet!!' But as soon as I boarded the plane I knew I was doing the right thing; taking the chance to explore the beautiful Eastern culture I loved, whilst also discovering so much more about myself.

Arriving (exhaustedly!) into Bangkok, I was struck by how vibrantly alive the city was: from fuchsia tuk-Tuks weaving through traffic, to the hundreds of market sellers promoting their products. I spent 4 days in Bangkok; I had a day by the pool to relax before meeting the rest of my group and our amazing tour guide, Nathan. The highlight of Bangkok for me was definitely visiting the temples: I felt in awe of the vast, colourful Wat Po temple, where I was able to give an offering of flowers to the monks, and receive an entrancingly chanted Sanskrit blessing.
Also, we visited a cooking school, where we learnt to cook a Tom Yam soup, Padthai, and fragrant Massuman vegetable curry. Although the Thai women were tiny, they were certainly passionate about their food, and sang a cooking song as we cooked! This experience felt very new to me; it was a million miles away from the restrictive thoughts I would usually have about food, or how I would normally eat alone, ashamed to enjoy food in front of other people in case they thought I was greedy!! Also, I loved the vibrant colours and flavours of the Thai food- it made me realise how bland my own diet usually is, and I slowly began to see how food is a part of life to be explored and enjoyed!!

After the buzz of Bangkok, we boarded a comfy overnight train south, to the idyllic Khao Sok National Park. Our home for the night was tiny bungalows floating on a vast lake, shadowed by towering, rugged emerald foliage-covered mountains. It was lovely to escape from civilisation; there was no wifi or phone signal, and the electricity only came on for 8 hours each night! Our hosts cooked beautiful, simple Thai food for us; sticky Jasmine rice with vegetables, light green massuman curry, delicately spiced then topped with courgette, and huge platters of pineapple and watermelon. We had the opportunity to kayak on the lake, and float in little rubber dinghies!

The next morning, we were up early, for a bus then ferry ride to the island of Koh Phangan. After the long journey, we were delighted to relax in our stunning beachfront hostel, with its infinity pool and dainty hammocks. That night, we headed out to the Full Moon Party beach- although we had missed the Full Moon a few days prior, there was still a bar and party waiting for us!! I warned my tour guide that I might like to get an earlier taxi back to the hostel ("I've never been to a party and don't like alcohol- I'm like Cinderella, need to be home by midnight!!") however by 2am, he came and found me, dancing on top of a table with the Thai locals, to ask would I like my taxi yet?!!! I was actually totally sober- but it was so nice to just let go and be able to dance freely without having to worry about exact counts or movements or what anyone else thought of me!!

The following day was a relaxing beach day- to allow hungover people to recover!!!
Then, we went on a little wooden boat ride, to snorkel in the ocean; it was so lovely to see the tiny, colourful fishes and elegant coral reefs! We also walked down to a beautiful natural waterfall, where we could climb down to bathe in the water. As we walked back to the beach, crashing monsoon rains began- the water was warm though so we found it quite funny! We waited for the rain to subside before boarding our tiny boat..... That was when disaster struck!! No further than 15 minutes after leaving, the storm began again. Our tiny boat was buffeted by the waves; I huddled in a towel to try to keep warm, and battled to keep my niggling fear at bay. But as the storm worsened, I felt convinced that the boat was going to capsize and we would drown. I trembled, struggling to breathe, and, to my embarrassment, began to cry. Everyone else seemed to be fine, passing beers around and cheering each time the boat surged over a wave. "Are you okay?" Someone asked me. Usually collected and conserved with my emotions, this time I replied frankly 'no I'm not!'
One of the girls clambered over the rickety wooden benches and reassured me, until at last we were safely back on dry land!!

The next day, we visited an elephant sanctuary, where an elephant led us on a jungle trek; we then got to get close to the elephants, and feed them bowls of papaya. That was another surreal moment, where I wondered why exactly i'd spent so so much of the past few years feeling consumed by how I wasn't quite 'perfect' enough for ballet.... In that moment, as my cheeky elephant nudged the papaya bowl and I laughed, I realised that actually, in the 'real world', no one gives a shit if I'm 45 kilograms not 42, and the elephant certainly didn't care if I can only do 2 pirouettes not 3, or if my legs should be 2 inches longer.... (More papaya, please!!)

In taking 3 weeks off from ballet this summer (by far the longest I've had off since I started ballet 7 years ago!!) and letting go of my rigid, consuming 'bunhead mentality', not only have I been able to experience life more fully, I've also felt far more of an innate connection to ballet as an art. Although I was never desperate to take class, I found that I did daydream about ballet in a positive way; planning classes to teach at summer school, reading a brilliant book about Vaganova's life, and making notes for the dissertation that I won't need to write for 2 more years yet. As much as I hated feeling trapped by my own inadequacies in the ballet world, the main thing I've learnt over the past few weeks is that firstly I do genuinely love ballet, and secondly, now that I'm no longer aspiring to a ballet company job,

Although I wasn't so keen on conditioning classes at Ballet West, as soon as I no longer had to do conditioning, I discovered that actually I loved the meditative focus of the exercise; no one was forcing me to work any more, so instinctively I wanted to work- every day, even in Thailand, it became a comforting, revitalising ritual to complete my usual 45-minute conditioning plan, but also the hour-long workout designed by Martin at Ballet West. A far cry from the obsessive, destructive workouts that I used to do purely to burn calories, this new breakthrough in cross-training allowed me to feel tenacious and empowered, as it challenged me both physically and psychologically, whilst also maintaining my muscle tone and strength.

Anyway! My time in Thailand came to a close with one final meal together with the group, many of whom were continuing on exciting adventures to Phuket, Phi Phi or Chiang Mai. I continued my journey by flying to Sydney..... Aussie blog posts to follow shortly!!

Summer adventures

Since I started to take ballet seriously, 7 years ago, every summer was consumed with summer intensives, private coaching, and exam classes. I even once declined a family holiday to Florida in order to attend a summer school, in an attempt to prove my dedication to the artistic director of that school, in the hope that I would get a place at the full time school (I didn't.). On occasions when I did go on holiday, I felt consumed by the need to exercise.... Not for the joy of dancing, but an obsessive, overwhelming exercise, dictated by a sly little voice in my mind; "30 lengths of the pool before every meal! Else you won't fit into your leotard again!" And when I was at school, I was still utterly consumed by ballet. Yes, there were moments when I genuinely loved ballet, and felt overjoyed..... Then there were long, dark days and nights when I felt a slave to ballet; in the mornings, I often got to the studio by 7am, for 2 hours of conditioning exercises before class; at night I would run on the cross trainer or go for a long walk, no matter how tired I was. I had, without really acknowledging it, romanticised the idea of 'sacrificing' myself to ballet; a good little bunhead should live and breathe for ballet; she should work constantly and never doubt her dedication to her art! (I doubted myself. A lot.) At the age of about 14, I first watched the documentary "A Beautiful Tragedy". It was eerily fascinating to me; I idolised the girls depicted in the film, and revered the way they would suffer for their art. To be a perfect ballerina, I thought, I had to work like that. Relentlessly, mercilessly, striving- whilst knowing that I was never quite good enough, never quite thin enough, never quite perfect enough. Despite having the most wonderful teachers I could ever wish for, and am opportunity to train in a world-renowned centre of excellence for ballet, despite thinking every single day how lucky I was to be there- I became trapped in a destructive, perfectionistic mindset, which ultimately sapped away my love of ballet. Most of the time in class, I could only fixate upon how awful I (thought!) I looked, or how the girl next to me had better turnout/longer legs/thinner arms.
Eventually, I got to the point where I needed a break from ballet. I knew it was a sign; I had always desperately longed to train in Russia, and this year was accepted to a 3 week summer intensive in St Petersburg. I was ecstatic- and briefly became super focused, dedicated, and revitalised by ballet. Alas, 2 months later, I received an email to say that the course had to be cancelled. I was devastated.

However, one of my closest friends recently emigrated back to Sydney, having trained in the UK for 2 years. Perhaps, I thought, I could go to Australia, to visit her.
I looked up flights; they were a quarter of the price that my summer intensive would've been. Perfect!! Also, scrolling through my phone one morning before class, I googled "London to Thailand flight", expecting a return to cost thousands of pounds, like a flight to Hawaii or Fiji. £335, Skyscanner replied! Perrr-fection!!! Thailand has also been on my list of places to visit for many years; I love the Eastern culture, and one of my teachers recently introduced me to the art of Buddhist meditation. (Last winter, I suffered from a particularly hard-hitting bout of seasonal depression. I had spoken with my teacher previously about how clinical hypnosis had helped me through my previous health issues, but I couldn't seem to find a therapist who suited me, in such a remote area. My teacher told me to learn meditation- and was kind enough to spend a lot of time working with me to help me to understand the technique. It helped me more than any doctor or medication ever did!!) I was therefore very keen to visit the beautiful temples in Thailand, to learn more about Buddhism and the art of meditation, from the monks themselves. Within 2 days, I had booked a trip to Thailand, and Australia...... Getting back to London in time to see Oksana Skoryk's first performance of Swan Lake in the Mariinsky Ballet's London season!