Summer adventures

Since I started to take ballet seriously, 7 years ago, every summer was consumed with summer intensives, private coaching, and exam classes. I even once declined a family holiday to Florida in order to attend a summer school, in an attempt to prove my dedication to the artistic director of that school, in the hope that I would get a place at the full time school (I didn't.). On occasions when I did go on holiday, I felt consumed by the need to exercise.... Not for the joy of dancing, but an obsessive, overwhelming exercise, dictated by a sly little voice in my mind; "30 lengths of the pool before every meal! Else you won't fit into your leotard again!" And when I was at school, I was still utterly consumed by ballet. Yes, there were moments when I genuinely loved ballet, and felt overjoyed..... Then there were long, dark days and nights when I felt a slave to ballet; in the mornings, I often got to the studio by 7am, for 2 hours of conditioning exercises before class; at night I would run on the cross trainer or go for a long walk, no matter how tired I was. I had, without really acknowledging it, romanticised the idea of 'sacrificing' myself to ballet; a good little bunhead should live and breathe for ballet; she should work constantly and never doubt her dedication to her art! (I doubted myself. A lot.) At the age of about 14, I first watched the documentary "A Beautiful Tragedy". It was eerily fascinating to me; I idolised the girls depicted in the film, and revered the way they would suffer for their art. To be a perfect ballerina, I thought, I had to work like that. Relentlessly, mercilessly, striving- whilst knowing that I was never quite good enough, never quite thin enough, never quite perfect enough. Despite having the most wonderful teachers I could ever wish for, and am opportunity to train in a world-renowned centre of excellence for ballet, despite thinking every single day how lucky I was to be there- I became trapped in a destructive, perfectionistic mindset, which ultimately sapped away my love of ballet. Most of the time in class, I could only fixate upon how awful I (thought!) I looked, or how the girl next to me had better turnout/longer legs/thinner arms.
Eventually, I got to the point where I needed a break from ballet. I knew it was a sign; I had always desperately longed to train in Russia, and this year was accepted to a 3 week summer intensive in St Petersburg. I was ecstatic- and briefly became super focused, dedicated, and revitalised by ballet. Alas, 2 months later, I received an email to say that the course had to be cancelled. I was devastated.

However, one of my closest friends recently emigrated back to Sydney, having trained in the UK for 2 years. Perhaps, I thought, I could go to Australia, to visit her.
I looked up flights; they were a quarter of the price that my summer intensive would've been. Perfect!! Also, scrolling through my phone one morning before class, I googled "London to Thailand flight", expecting a return to cost thousands of pounds, like a flight to Hawaii or Fiji. £335, Skyscanner replied! Perrr-fection!!! Thailand has also been on my list of places to visit for many years; I love the Eastern culture, and one of my teachers recently introduced me to the art of Buddhist meditation. (Last winter, I suffered from a particularly hard-hitting bout of seasonal depression. I had spoken with my teacher previously about how clinical hypnosis had helped me through my previous health issues, but I couldn't seem to find a therapist who suited me, in such a remote area. My teacher told me to learn meditation- and was kind enough to spend a lot of time working with me to help me to understand the technique. It helped me more than any doctor or medication ever did!!) I was therefore very keen to visit the beautiful temples in Thailand, to learn more about Buddhism and the art of meditation, from the monks themselves. Within 2 days, I had booked a trip to Thailand, and Australia...... Getting back to London in time to see Oksana Skoryk's first performance of Swan Lake in the Mariinsky Ballet's London season!