Being Grateful
"Always be grateful for what you have. Appreciate the opportunity you have been given- appreciate the fact that you get to study ballet every day, whilst most people spend their lives in an office job which they don't really enjoy."
As my ballet teacher began another inspirational analogy, I realised- had I not been given this opportunity, if Ballet West had not recognised my potential, I would have been, at that moment in time, studying for A-levels which I hated, at a college which I hated, surrounded by negative energy.
But I was not.
I was, in fact, in a ballet studio, in the wilderness of the Highlands. I used to consider it somewhat of a sacrifice; having left my home, my family, the buzz of city life, to go to a tiny school in a tiny village, to study ballet- yet in that moment, I realised that it had not been a sacrifice at all, it had been a leap of faith, and I was rapidly learning to fly.
At 7.15 that morning, the studio was still and silent, when I arrived for warm-up. I am certainly not a 'morning person', and perhaps never will be- but there is something incredible, a sacred beauty, found only in a dance studio- the air is poised, radiating an energy of creativity and expression. That energy is surely enough to fill anyone with vitality; this is a place to achieve, to shine- but in order to shine, you must first work.
I have always been more of an adage lover (gasp!!!) than a springy jumpy allegro lover. However, towards the end of last term, as our schedule became more and more demanding with assessments, I began to feel a sharp pain just above my ankle. Naturally, my perfectionism deterred me from resting- I had 2 challenging solos to work on- however by the time of the assessment, I had to take as many painkillers as possible to just be able to dance.
By the Easter holidays, to my agitation, the pain had still not resided, so I was unable to dance. I went to the physiotherapist, who warned me that it could be either a stress fracture or a muscular strain. I was unable to do class, but still, enjoyed teaching.
Back at school, for the first few days, I didn't do any allegro or pointework. By Tuesday, my ankle felt much better, so I tried (mostly out of sheer frustration having not done pointe for 5 weeks) a pointe class. Huge mistake.
Likely due to the weakness in my ankle, my metatarsals clenched to compensate- in class on Wednesday morning, the pain that seared across the top of my foot was unbearable; close to tears, I had to excuse myself after tendus, to go and fetch an ice pack. Having never, ever stopped during class before, and certainly never spent 3 days sat watching class, unable to even do barre, I felt weak-willed and inadequate- yet at the same time, I instinctively sensed that for the first time in my dancing career, I was experiencing a pain which could not be ignored.
Over the next fortnight, I spoke to a physiotherapist who told me that the joint was jammed, a GP who told me to rest completely for up to a month (which was in no way a practicality, with showcase mere weeks away!) and last week I went to Oban to see a different physio- who told me that the injury was actually a sublaxed medial cuneiform bone- a bone in my foot which had partially dislocated. So, although I am unsure as to when I will be back en pointe or even able to manage a full ballet class due to the injury in my foot- I am so grateful to finally be getting the physiotherapy that I need, hopefully this will help!
Initially when I was injured, I felt very angry, frustrated, and to some extent resentful towards myself- I had taken so much for granted, such as allegro or pointe; lots of releves en pointe seemed tedious- yet as soon as I was told that I shouldn't dance, I wanted nothing more than to do class! However, being injured has taught me a lot about myself as a dancer- to have patience, to take good care of myself, and, most importantly, to never ever take anything for granted.
Towards the end of last year, I had lost my passion for dance; the movements seemed arbitrary and bland- and I desperately missed home. Yet when I went home for Easter, I couldn't wait to get back to school; I have realised that "home" is not just your birthplace- 'home' is a place where you are valued as an individual, you are free to discover yourself; home is the place where you wake up at 6.30 on a Monday morning smiling, ready to embrace the opportunities of a new week. Although I have learnt a lot in terms of technique this term, the most important thing I have learnt, above anything else, is to never take anything for granted; be in the moment, cherish every opportunity to dance, and to always work to the best of my ability- I may never get a job in a company, I might never "make it" as a dancer, but it's better to try and not succeed, than not try and never know what could've been!!
