Moving On

As Albus Dumbledore said, "The time comes when we must choose between what is easy and what is right." For me, the decision to leave vocational ballet school- and therefore move on from the 'childhood dream' of being a dancer in a ballet company, was certainly the hardest decision I have ever had to make. Ever since I first saw Swan Lake, over 6 years ago, every single thing I ever did or thought of seemed to revolve around my mission to become a dancer- I of course had many setbacks along the way, and so the day I found out I had been accepted to Ballet West was honestly the happiest day of my life. 

Being at ballet school was just as wonderful as I imagined- yes, it definitely has its challenging times too, I won't deny that, but I certainly learnt from every challenge- and I am so incredibly grateful for the 2 years I have spent training at Ballet West. But, as the years progressed, I began to realise just how few people are lucky enough to get contracts in classical ballet companies- and how I was never really gifted with the ideal ballet physique; perhaps my legs were too short, my feet just not flexible enough, my spine not quite straight.... I always found it challenging to pick up combinations, my natural co ordination was lacking, and no matter how many hours I relentlessly worked for, I just couldn't seem to perfect the pirouettes that other people achieved so effortlessly. Even if I got a company contract, the ballet world is so volatile that the job could be taken away from me at any moment, through injury, or even simply a director not liking the way I dance. And performing onstage.... as much as I desperately tried to love it, I simply found it stressful. Not 'excited butterflies then euphoria onstage', but agitated, consumed by counts and spacing and artistry, as my brain worked overtime trying to remember each tiny detail. Was it really worth constantly pushing my mind and body beyond their limits, in an attempt to gain a company contract, to then spend my life constantly feeling inadequate, deemed worthless by ballet? I tried to convince myself it would be worthwhile.

But by the middle of my second year of vocational training, I felt my passion for ballet slipping away; every class felt like a battle against my own physical limitations, and after one particularly frustrating class, I despairingly told my teacher "I feel completely defeated by ballet." He kindly reassured me that everyone feels defeated by ballet at some point in their career- then reminded me of something he had said to me the previous term; "it's perfectly okay to decide not to be in a ballet company. You would be an excellent teacher, you know- one day you could have your own dance school." This concept was not new to me; many teachers in the past had told me "You're not going to make it as a dancer, why don't you just teach instead?!" The way that other teachers had made teaching seem like second best to dancing in a company, as if teaching could be my backup plan when my ballet career failed, filled me with defiance; I convinced myself that I didn't want to teach, I only wanted to dance! But my wonderful teacher at Ballet West helped me to realise that although I could make it into a ballet company if I really worked for it, I also had a lot of academic potential that I could fulfil through teaching.

Yes, I have always been academically gifted; reading and writing comes to me far far more easily than dancing ever did- but for years I shunned that potential, thinking that being a ballet dancer was far more important than nurturing my academic gifts. My dad's dream for me was that I would go to Oxford university and become a successful lawyer or doctor- that was all going to plan until I discovered ballet!! Although he has always been so supportive of my dancing, I've constantly had a niggling doubt in the back of my mind, thinking that maybe I really would be better off doing something academic....

Without realising it, I even approached my ballet studies in an academic mindframe; I knew the name and definition of pretty much every step, and could explain how to dance steps like gargouillade (isn't that a beautiful word?!) which I had no where near mastered!! One moment really stands out to me..... in an allegro class, we had studied jeté élancé; the teacher asked us did anyone know the meaning of élancé? Despite usually being able to answer such questions with ease, I was temporarily confused; although I had seen the step before, I had never heard of its name, élancé.... Suddenly, I recalled a paragraph in a book that I had forgotten I had even read, and replied easily "Élancé is one of the seven fundamental actions in ballet. It means 'to dart'." My teacher looked just as surprised as I did!! It was then that I realised that perhaps I could put my academic mind to good use within ballet- perhaps I don't have to be a doctor or lawyer to excel academically! And perhaps I don't have to keep battling my own physical limitations to succeed in dance- if I teach ballet, I don't have to look like a perfect prima ballerina, as long as I can explain ballet to my students!

So few people are lucky enough to love their job- but watching the joy with which my teacher approaches every class, certainly helped me to realise that being a teacher definitely isn't 'second best' to being in a company- being a teacher is the most wonderful, fulfilling career path! Over Easter, I coached a group of students at my local dance school- seeing the progress that they made in just 3 days was the best feeling in the world! Also, we recently had our teaching assessments at Ballet West; we had to teach a 20 minute class to a group of first year students. I was rather stressed out before my assessment (my inner perfectionist demanded that everything must be perfect!!) but found that when I was teaching, I completely forgot about my own physical limitations, or the way that ballet once left me feeling worthless and defeated.... teaching, being able to share my love of ballet, and watching my students blossom from being shy to being confident and eager to learn, is the most empowering, wonderful thing to be able to do!

I feel so blessed to be able to train as a RAD teacher; the psychology and science of dance fascinates me too, so I'm really looking forward to the more academic classes there, as well as the dancing! 

But I know that if it wasn't for Ballet West, and my wonderful teachers here who inspire me every single day, then I might have never found the courage to transition from wanting to be a dancer in a company, to being able to share my love of ballet through teaching. I hope that one day, I might be able to return to ballet west, either to teach or to bring my own students to audition- but either way, Ballet West will always hold a special place in my heart xxx